Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee. "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
As the Captain taxied the B-727 to the runway, the aircraft trundled along on a torn-up section of asphalt. Seeing the smooth area ahead the Captain made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain XXX speaking, I've allowed the First Officer to taxi the aircraft for practise purposes. I will now take control and continue to the runway.." At that moment, the aircraft rolled onto the smooth asphalt which continued to the runway threshold. The First Officer's comments were not recorded.
As the Air Canada B-767 held its position waiting for a gate assignment, the In-Charge Flight Attendant phoned the flight deck. "Could you please make an announcement Captain, I've told them three times to remain in their seats until we get to the gate, but they won't sit down." The Captain sighed, and lamented to the First Officer about the lack of patience/respect in today's air travellers. The First Officer grinned and told the Captain "I'll handle this one". "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is First Officer XXX speaking. We are just waiting for the gate to be cleared at the moment, since this is the termination of Air Canada's flight xxx we would appreciate some passengers to stay behind and help tidy up the airplane. If anyone would like to volunteer, please stand up and identify yourselves to the In-Charge Flight Attendant. Thank-you." After a few seconds, the In-Charge phoned the flight deck again. "Thanks, they're sitting down now..."
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|Problem:||"Left inside main tire almost needs replacement"|
|Solution:||"Almost replaced left inside main tire"|
|Problem:||"Test flight OK, except autoland very rough"|
|Solution:||"Auto-land not installed on this aircraft"|
|Problem:||"The autopilot doesn't"|
|Solution:||"IT DOES NOW"|
|Problem:||"Something loose in cockpit"|
|Solution:||"Something tightened in cockpit"|
|Problem:||"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear"|
|Problem:||"DME volume unbelievably loud"|
|Solution:||"Volume set to more believable level"|
|Problem:||"Dead bugs on windshield"|
|Solution:||"Live bugs on order"|
|Problem:||"Auto-pilot in altitude hold produces a 200fpm descent"|
|Solution:||"Cannot reproduce problem on ground"|
|Problem:||"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick"|
|Solution:||"That's what they're there for"|
|Problem:||"Number three engine missing"|
|Solution:||"Engine found on right wing after brief search"|
|Problem:||"Catheter supplied too short and perhaps does not meet regulation length"|
|Solution:||"Catheter meets regulation length...perhaps problem is with pilot" (Supply got no further complaints)|
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hit a 727?
Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: Ro avoid what?
Pilot: To avoid delay
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here. How is my groundspeed?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well.
Captain (after landing a bit rough): Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.
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